Well, what we were beginning to think was impossible actually happened. It's hard to articulate the experience we have had and if you could be in my head and heart for a day only then would you know what this means to us. My last post was about our failed IUI and infertility treatment. Well the next month came and those fertility drugs were working full force apparently  February came and I obviously know my body's schedule down to the day by now after having to track it for two and a half years. I knew I should have started that day and didn't but I had already taken pregnancy tests that week that were the usual negative. I was cramping and felt like I was starting my period, but thought to take another test because our infertility specialist needed to know the status and approach we would take for the next month. Mind you we had already scheduled our LDS adoption services first meeting and it was to take place on Wednesday. So it was Monday February 4th and I took another test and walked away knowing in my heart it would be negative. I came back to find another line and brought the test to Jesse to double check and make sure I wasn't willing another line to be there, that it was in fact reality. I started crying immediately, not out of happiness, but out of panic and fear that because of the cramping I was once again experiencing a miscarriage. I told our infertility doctor the news and they had us come in and do an early ultrasound to make sure there was in fact a baby and everything was measuring normal. I held my breath during the ultrasound as I have every time since then and the doctor found the baby which at the time looked like a speck of dust on the screen. They were happy to announce that I would be graduating from their office and moving on to a regular OBGYN. I told then I loved then but that I honestly hoped to never see then again.They gave me a new mommy bag with lots of goodies in it and to be honest I wanted to hide it as we walked out past all the people in the waiting room who knew exactly what that bag meant. This pregnancy does not change our infertility experience or make it easier to bare. Those were the darkest days of my life and we may have to return to those every time we want to have another baby, but I feel so much lighter as the weight of disappointment and hopelessness has been lifted off us for a while. Infertility is a burden that some couples have to bare much longer than us and I know they are the only ones that are strong enough to cope with it. My heart aches for those who still battle with this and I'm grateful that I can relate somewhat. Couples who go through infertility have earned a different perspective on parenting that you cannot get  any other way and I'm grateful to have that. The pregnancy has been really hard. I lost a ton of weight, haven't been able to eat much, and throw up constantly, but it is so worth every second. This is exactly what I wanted for years and I am clinging onto every moment even the ones I spend with my head in the toilet. Infertility opened my eyes to how amazing our bodies truly are and pregnancy has only enhanced that. I'm now 15 weeks along and have nothing to complain about. The second best moment of my life next to marrying Jesse was hearing that baby's heartbeat so loud for the first time on the ultrasound. We got the neat chance to go with mine and his mom to an early gender detection office to find out the sex of the baby. Nothing is growing between those tiny legs and the lady assured me there wouldn't be. It's a girl! I haven't let myself get excited or too attached yet and those who've had miscarriages will only know the true feelings of why that is, but knowing it's a girl has made it finally a reality. I'm due September 29th and Jesse is hoping I can hold out til October. We couldn't be more full of gratitude.

Winter has officially hit, it's freezing, and snow is covering the ground, which we didn't have to experience last winter, but we had a feeling Utah would give us a true winter for our last one. Our life is crazy right now and our house is a complete mess. Between my work, Jesse's finals and applying to grad schools, and our infertility treatments, testing, and procedures we are barely keeping our heads afloat. We just had some more testing done yesterday and I had an IUI done, which is intrauterine insemination. We are crossing our fingers that it worked so we can have a Christmas miracle this year, but if not, life will continue to go on as we have learned and we'll keep pressing forward and fighting to get our baby. We are thrilled to get to go home for Christmas and spend the holidays in sunny California. We need a break from our lives. We are anxious to start hearing back from grad schools in the new year and begin to figure out where we will be headed next Fall. Although we feel bogged down with our infertility often we really are enjoying every minute we have together and getting to see each other in a new light through it all.

Today I'm grateful for every good thing in my life, especially a supportive family, a husband who pushes me to find what makes me happy in life, but my immediate gratitude today is for answers. I"m grateful for intelligent specialists, hospitals, and modern technology. I"m grateful that I don't just have to except that we can't have children. We can get answers. We are beginning a journey this week with an amazing infertility specialist. We will be undergoing highly invasive and uncomfortable testing and put on intense fertility drugs so that hopefully in a few weeks our doctor will sit us down with answers as to why we aren't getting pregnant and then counsel us on our options and where we go from here. I"m so grateful for a highly qualified doctor and his staff that are committed to not only getting us answers, but getting us pregnant. For the first time I feel like other people are as concerned about all this as we are. It doesn't take my fears, stresses, and sorrows away, but it definitely lifts the burden slightly to know that we have a team of experts taking control of our infertility. We feel like lab rats being poked and prod, but how sweet it will be to receive ANSWERS, which in and of itself will be an answer to one of my long standing 2-year prayers. My faith has been beaten down near to nothing in the last two years, but through it all I am grateful for a God who answers prayers eventually. The only thing that keeps me enduring all this is hope. Without that my life would be empty, and we are so thrilled to finally have a renewed sense of hope with this new course we have decided to take. With it will come new financial trials, but I have learned how trivial financial situations are compared to what we are taking out our savings to get and that's a growing eternal family. I'm very full of gratitude today, which is something I continue to think will be hard to say and feel every day, but it's not. Despite all this, I am reminded each day of my blessings and if nothing else I think this awful trial has forced me to have gratitude for the simplest things that just get me through each day.

We celebrated another successful Halloween filled with scary movies, carving pumpkins, eating lots of treats, and fun costumes. Jesse decided to dress up as the Sundrop guy from the recently popular Sundrop commercial and I went as Waldo.

Jesse's birthday lasted about 2 1/2 weeks total because he sure does love to celebrate his birthday. I must say he does deserve it, though. On his actual birthday we met close friends and family for Indian food at Bombay House and then went out for shakes after. Then a day later Jess and I headed up to his grandparent's condo in midway. It was the best get-away for his birthday and my fall break from school. I got in much needed sleep, reading, and relaxation. We ate at great restaurants and soaked in the spa every night. It's nice getting to spend time alone and isolated every now and again. The fall season in Utah is unreal and we took many drives during our vacation and got to enjoy the insane color changes of the trees. Did I mention we did a day in Park City shopping at the outlets and eating Cafe Rio? We both needed this badly! Now we are back to the grind of trying to get Jess through school and counting down the days until Thanksgiving break.

Happy 24th birthday to my love. No one could make me as happy as he does. He pushes me to have fun and relax and live in every moment. From the moment we got together 7 years ago he has been my best friend through the hardest and happiest times of my life. He is my sanity and the best thing for me. I'm overflowing with gratitude for this boy and the fact that he decided I was deserving of him for eternity.

Our baby was due October 31st. A Halloween baby. Jesse was so excited we'd be having a baby with an October birthday, which he claims is the best month to be born. He's not bias now is he? I was excited because the baby was due on one of my favorite holidays, and we were both thrilled feeling like our year and a half of crushed hopes and monthly disappointments was over. Relieved is what we were. Now almost nine months later it's almost like it was a far distant memory or dream that I can't believe we went through. With Halloween and the old due date approaching I don't linger on what was to become of this month and how it would change our lives, but I can't say the thought doesn't cross my mind sometimes and force me to think happy thoughts as I fight back tears. Life is really, really unfair! "Time heals all wounds", a saying I was a firm believer in before all this. Now time is a painfully bitter reminder that this just might not be in the cards for us. Wow that's a hard pill to swallow. I'm trying to stay positive and just enjoy my life in the present and know that everything is in God's hands, but that's very easy to say and believe when you haven't been through this and very easy for me to think until that monthly reminder comes that I still don't get to be a mom and the daily reminder of being surrounded by children that makes this trial near impossible for me to cope with. I'm angry often with what has become my reality and I need my Savior's help every minute of the day to put on a happy face and avoid very destructive thoughts. I've avoided writing about my experiences and feelings through all this, but have felt that I need to record this no matter how crazy and angry I may sound on paper because it's a reality that I feel like this a lot and it's human to feel this way. I always feel better hearing others' experiences and true feelings about miscarriage and infertility and maybe some random person with stumble upon this and feel ok that they are battling with the same things I am. Or maybe in my most hopeful thoughts we will have a baby one day (biologically or through adoption) and they will read this blog of mine and know how badly we fought to get them. I love my husband and I love my life, but I hate this trial and I would be lying if I said I didn't want it to go away, but I also can't say that I'm not learning through the pain, which might be the point.