Tuesday, October 9, 2012
Our baby was due October 31st. A Halloween baby. Jesse was so excited we'd be having a baby with an October birthday, which he claims is the best month to be born. He's not bias now is he? I was excited because the baby was due on one of my favorite holidays, and we were both thrilled feeling like our year and a half of crushed hopes and monthly disappointments was over. Relieved is what we were. Now almost nine months later it's almost like it was a far distant memory or dream that I can't believe we went through. With Halloween and the old due date approaching I don't linger on what was to become of this month and how it would change our lives, but I can't say the thought doesn't cross my mind sometimes and force me to think happy thoughts as I fight back tears. Life is really, really unfair! "Time heals all wounds", a saying I was a firm believer in before all this. Now time is a painfully bitter reminder that this just might not be in the cards for us. Wow that's a hard pill to swallow. I'm trying to stay positive and just enjoy my life in the present and know that everything is in God's hands, but that's very easy to say and believe when you haven't been through this and very easy for me to think until that monthly reminder comes that I still don't get to be a mom and the daily reminder of being surrounded by children that makes this trial near impossible for me to cope with. I'm angry often with what has become my reality and I need my Savior's help every minute of the day to put on a happy face and avoid very destructive thoughts. I've avoided writing about my experiences and feelings through all this, but have felt that I need to record this no matter how crazy and angry I may sound on paper because it's a reality that I feel like this a lot and it's human to feel this way. I always feel better hearing others' experiences and true feelings about miscarriage and infertility and maybe some random person with stumble upon this and feel ok that they are battling with the same things I am. Or maybe in my most hopeful thoughts we will have a baby one day (biologically or through adoption) and they will read this blog of mine and know how badly we fought to get them. I love my husband and I love my life, but I hate this trial and I would be lying if I said I didn't want it to go away, but I also can't say that I'm not learning through the pain, which might be the point.