Winter has officially hit, it's freezing, and snow is covering the ground, which we didn't have to experience last winter, but we had a feeling Utah would give us a true winter for our last one. Our life is crazy right now and our house is a complete mess. Between my work, Jesse's finals and applying to grad schools, and our infertility treatments, testing, and procedures we are barely keeping our heads afloat. We just had some more testing done yesterday and I had an IUI done, which is intrauterine insemination. We are crossing our fingers that it worked so we can have a Christmas miracle this year, but if not, life will continue to go on as we have learned and we'll keep pressing forward and fighting to get our baby. We are thrilled to get to go home for Christmas and spend the holidays in sunny California. We need a break from our lives. We are anxious to start hearing back from grad schools in the new year and begin to figure out where we will be headed next Fall. Although we feel bogged down with our infertility often we really are enjoying every minute we have together and getting to see each other in a new light through it all.

Today I'm grateful for every good thing in my life, especially a supportive family, a husband who pushes me to find what makes me happy in life, but my immediate gratitude today is for answers. I"m grateful for intelligent specialists, hospitals, and modern technology. I"m grateful that I don't just have to except that we can't have children. We can get answers. We are beginning a journey this week with an amazing infertility specialist. We will be undergoing highly invasive and uncomfortable testing and put on intense fertility drugs so that hopefully in a few weeks our doctor will sit us down with answers as to why we aren't getting pregnant and then counsel us on our options and where we go from here. I"m so grateful for a highly qualified doctor and his staff that are committed to not only getting us answers, but getting us pregnant. For the first time I feel like other people are as concerned about all this as we are. It doesn't take my fears, stresses, and sorrows away, but it definitely lifts the burden slightly to know that we have a team of experts taking control of our infertility. We feel like lab rats being poked and prod, but how sweet it will be to receive ANSWERS, which in and of itself will be an answer to one of my long standing 2-year prayers. My faith has been beaten down near to nothing in the last two years, but through it all I am grateful for a God who answers prayers eventually. The only thing that keeps me enduring all this is hope. Without that my life would be empty, and we are so thrilled to finally have a renewed sense of hope with this new course we have decided to take. With it will come new financial trials, but I have learned how trivial financial situations are compared to what we are taking out our savings to get and that's a growing eternal family. I'm very full of gratitude today, which is something I continue to think will be hard to say and feel every day, but it's not. Despite all this, I am reminded each day of my blessings and if nothing else I think this awful trial has forced me to have gratitude for the simplest things that just get me through each day.

We celebrated another successful Halloween filled with scary movies, carving pumpkins, eating lots of treats, and fun costumes. Jesse decided to dress up as the Sundrop guy from the recently popular Sundrop commercial and I went as Waldo.

Jesse's birthday lasted about 2 1/2 weeks total because he sure does love to celebrate his birthday. I must say he does deserve it, though. On his actual birthday we met close friends and family for Indian food at Bombay House and then went out for shakes after. Then a day later Jess and I headed up to his grandparent's condo in midway. It was the best get-away for his birthday and my fall break from school. I got in much needed sleep, reading, and relaxation. We ate at great restaurants and soaked in the spa every night. It's nice getting to spend time alone and isolated every now and again. The fall season in Utah is unreal and we took many drives during our vacation and got to enjoy the insane color changes of the trees. Did I mention we did a day in Park City shopping at the outlets and eating Cafe Rio? We both needed this badly! Now we are back to the grind of trying to get Jess through school and counting down the days until Thanksgiving break.

Happy 24th birthday to my love. No one could make me as happy as he does. He pushes me to have fun and relax and live in every moment. From the moment we got together 7 years ago he has been my best friend through the hardest and happiest times of my life. He is my sanity and the best thing for me. I'm overflowing with gratitude for this boy and the fact that he decided I was deserving of him for eternity.

Our baby was due October 31st. A Halloween baby. Jesse was so excited we'd be having a baby with an October birthday, which he claims is the best month to be born. He's not bias now is he? I was excited because the baby was due on one of my favorite holidays, and we were both thrilled feeling like our year and a half of crushed hopes and monthly disappointments was over. Relieved is what we were. Now almost nine months later it's almost like it was a far distant memory or dream that I can't believe we went through. With Halloween and the old due date approaching I don't linger on what was to become of this month and how it would change our lives, but I can't say the thought doesn't cross my mind sometimes and force me to think happy thoughts as I fight back tears. Life is really, really unfair! "Time heals all wounds", a saying I was a firm believer in before all this. Now time is a painfully bitter reminder that this just might not be in the cards for us. Wow that's a hard pill to swallow. I'm trying to stay positive and just enjoy my life in the present and know that everything is in God's hands, but that's very easy to say and believe when you haven't been through this and very easy for me to think until that monthly reminder comes that I still don't get to be a mom and the daily reminder of being surrounded by children that makes this trial near impossible for me to cope with. I'm angry often with what has become my reality and I need my Savior's help every minute of the day to put on a happy face and avoid very destructive thoughts. I've avoided writing about my experiences and feelings through all this, but have felt that I need to record this no matter how crazy and angry I may sound on paper because it's a reality that I feel like this a lot and it's human to feel this way. I always feel better hearing others' experiences and true feelings about miscarriage and infertility and maybe some random person with stumble upon this and feel ok that they are battling with the same things I am. Or maybe in my most hopeful thoughts we will have a baby one day (biologically or through adoption) and they will read this blog of mine and know how badly we fought to get them. I love my husband and I love my life, but I hate this trial and I would be lying if I said I didn't want it to go away, but I also can't say that I'm not learning through the pain, which might be the point. 

My mom came to visit for a week and in that week she had a sisters' weekend at the Ford's cabin where we got to spend time with my cousins, sister, grandma, and aunts. I love family time! Work has been absolutely hectic especially with parent-teacher conferences last week. I literally worked from 7am to 8pm and I feel like I haven't caught up on much needed sleep since. After my last parent-teacher conferences on Friday my mom treated me to a heavenly pedicure and dinner and that was just the remedy I needed. General Conference took up the rest of our weekend and I felt like many of the talks were directed at me personally. With lots of talks about the lost of a child or being unable to have children I felt that God truly understands my feelings of anger and bitterness that I have to fight off daily. I can't say I didn't shed any tears during President Eyring's talk feeling like a speck of this burden fell off my shoulders knowing the leaders of the church know this trial is very prevalent today and many of them have first hand experience with what Jesse and I are facing.