Sunday, May 13, 2012
Today was a hard day and with it I have decided that it is a good day to document our journey so I can look back and reflect on my stronger days and my not so strong days. We are human and with this life we are to experience human experiences and really painful ones sometimes. Jesse and I have been battling with infertility for a year and a half. We found out we were pregnant a couple of months ago and a wave of gratitude and relief washed over us as we realized our longest and largest trial was finally over. About a two months ago as we were excitedly going into the 7th week of pregnancy when we received the news that we had lost the baby to a miscarriage. That news hurt me do deep in my soul that I heaved sobs as I relayed the news to our family at home. My mom immediately flew into town to help me as I was also having to undergo surgery to remove the baby. Over the next month I wrestled with my inner demons and fought to find peace and healing spiritually, mentally, emotionally, and physically from the surgery.(This is a much less detailed version of our struggles). I knew today would be hard because every Sunday since the miscarriage and infertility have been hard, but today was a day dedicated to mothers and with it sent me into a depth of depression that has been so familiar over the past few months. I feel like my trial is all I can see at church with everyone being pregnant and running in and out of sacrament to soothe their newborns so for the first time in my life Sunday is hard and finding the eternal perspective when you're in the thick of despair is close to impossible. But over the past few months I have also become aware that God is acutely aware of me and that was evident today. I am used to sacrament talks on mother's day that solely talk about mothers in the sense that mothers are those who physically have children that they bore, which has never hurt me until I foresaw what today could mean for me. I prepared myself for talks based on being moms and knew that I could probably contain my emotions with this pre-knowledge.God had another message for me. In all three talks infertility was addressed as the majority of the messages. God had imparted his spirit to these speakers and they were so sensitive to the fact that mother's day is a wonderful day to celebrate our mothers, but for some women it is a painful day filled with heartache. After a year and a half my arms are still empty and my heart still hurts everyday, but I am told by others who have been in my shoes that the sacrifice and waiting and suffering will be worth it. And a part of me knows that I will cherish motherhood in a unique way that others can't empathize with not having gone through what we are facing. I am grateful for that. I sense that when and if our time comes to be parents in this life that the dirty diapers will seem fewer, the messes smaller, the crying softer, and the middle of the night multiple feedings more tender and enjoyable. We have been given blessing upon blessing and sought solace in the temple only to find that assurance never comes. I have great faith and trust in the Lord and his plan for us, but hope is a whole different thing for me. I fight the feelings of hopelessness and fear on a daily basis for what the next month holds. The tears Jesse and I shed together in bed the night we found out about our loss was a moment I know that will define our marriage and strengthen us. This is a very lonely road we are on and nothing seems to give me relief, but most days I have faith it will come. I am so richly blessed and sometimes this trial seems like a horrible punishment, but I know one day we will see the purpose and realize God was refining and purifying us for greater blessings. Everyday I get to nurture and teach my students and most days they mistakenly slip and call me "mom". I get to direct them and love them like they are my own and for now I can find peace in those small moments of motherhood that I get to taste of. At Jesse's mission reunion an Englishman came and spoke. He spoke of a story of Joseph Smith's father and how he prayed that his crops would not fail. Despite his prayers, the crops all failed and he had to move his family. Those crops had to have failed for Joseph Smith to enter a grove of trees across the country at 14 years old and ask the question that has changed our lives. The speaker then said that some of our crops may be failing at this point in our lives, but they need to fail for us to be where we are, doing what we are doing, learning what we are learning, and having our faith strengthened. So for now our crops are failing, but when we have stretched and learned and in the Lord's time and by His will He will bring about His purposes and when that time comes we will be ready.